Dear ‘All terrain’ buggy manufacturer,

IMG_1015Dear ‘All terrain’ buggy manufacturer,
When you sell a product as ‘all terrain’, I am intrigued to know what image you have in your heads. I would be more than happy to have any manufacturer of all terrain buggies come spend a day with me or any woman in agriculture.

However, as it may be a bit more muddy than you might expect and I might be chasing pregnant cows, here are some tweaks that would be useful.

These include:
Two hooks on the handle bar to hang buckets or shepherd’s crook.

Space between hand bar and canopy to place one small bale of hay.

Slightly bigger wheels: mole hills, tractor ruts, and rocks are all bigger in the field than they look from the fence.

Mud guards on back wheels. Obvious reason – we live in Scotland and when it rains, fields don’t work the same way drains on pavements work.

Waterproof exterior so you can wipe it down after the sheep have had a good scratch on it and you don’t have to turn up in town with a buggy smelling of sheep.

Raise the shopping bag off the ground to be higher than the average cow pat. Why would I need to skirt a field looking like I’m blindfolded?

Ring loops on the sides so you can easily rachet strap it if it’s a wee bit windy but you need it to stay put while you wrestle the sheep.
Yours faithfully,
The Crofting Wifie

Crofting Wifie’s guide to pregnant poaching (points 6-10).

6. Labour has several meanings: such as when you ask your Mother-in-law to come and stay for labour…in reality the byre is a working progress and the Crofter really needs another pair of hands.
7. The brush cutter is not an easy implement to use once you start feeling the effects of all those bacon rolls for 6 months.
8. ‘Nesting’ is for the chickens. During the latter stages, when you are not in your ‘paid work’, you are able to complete jobs that have been on your to-do list since the house was built 3 years ago. You are not nesting, your dealing with procrastination.
9. Levering and lifting are two different words. Big stones are useful, just not where a gate post needs to be fixed.
10. There is a difference in scalpings and concrete mix, do not let the quarry man away with it. Tell him you’ll be back in the morning to get the right stuff for the labourers unless the other labour has started. Then you’ll have to pop by a bit later.

Crofting Wifie’s 5 point guide to being a pregnant poacher:

1. Eat bacon rolls, no one bats an eyelid when you put a bit of flab on.
2. Don’t tell anyone until after you have sheared the sheep and baled the hay field. People like to stop you having fun.
3. The advise of no ‘heavy’ lifting is subjective. Reasoning goes: 20kg chicken food bags on the shoulder was the norm, therefore reduce this to just transferring the sacks rather than carrying.
3. A 6.5×55 (aka the deer rifle) is not heavy – you just have to remember what weight you are shooting if successful and the length of your rachet straps. None of the NHS info said just to stick to the .22
4. Take your trailer test late on – your examiner is likely to keep the exam short and sweet when he seemed to go into a bit of shock when you a) told him how far along you are, and b) you need to pass it to go pick up a bull in two weeks because the Crofter is at work.
5. A MF565 (without four wheel drive) is very nerve-racking – get some help to feed the cows. The Dexta on the other hand can be used all the way up to week 41+2 when harrowing. Third gear isn’t such a good idea although at least I can say I tried the bumpy road theory to prompt mini-crofter to make an entrance.

Dear Sled makers,

IMG_0769.jpgDear Sled makers,

It would be most kind if you could look at making some slight tweaks to your design.

These include:
Cattle energy buckets are wider than most children. However, adults also use sleds so don’t think that this change will only suit pregnant poachers taking nuts to their cows.

The length of the sled would be good to be about 2 inches longer so the small bale for the calf creep wouldn’t fall out so much.

Otherwise I am most thankful for the cheap and cheerful sled.
Kind regards.

The Crofting Wifie
P.S. Dear Calf Creep feeder builder, could you not build it a bit taller to avoid Crofter Wifie getting heartburn while filling it up?

P.P.S. I am out of the 2 foot deep bog field of over eager cows alive.

Obituary to the bull…

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Well Aaron, you were lovely.

Your rump is delicious. Having provided us with 3 heifers last year, 4 on the way now, you were also able to do ‘holidays’ to Farr and Rogart, fortunate boy. You are now available to others to be enjoyed and shared, individual cuts/sizes/prices to follow, if interested let me know.

Happy steak dreams one and all.